Heard

Later the same day as the above post

I'm refreshed after a long walk down Yong street. At the top of some stones stairs in front of a Toronto apartment building at Yong and Wesley, I scan the intersection's pedestrians for someone who might lend me a phone to make a quick call. But my attention is drawn by the voice of someone who does not live in the same societal structures that the rest of these city dwellers. I can tell by the level and tone of his voice. My eyes find him, a black man with a black toque, a scruffy beard, and an old dirty jacket. He is standing still in the flow of people going both directions around him. I can't tell who he's shouting at because his eyes are looking slightly above the people around him, but his yelling is directed at someone. And as I listen, I gather that he tried to make contact with someone who ignored him and kept walking. "See, no one listens to me!" he directs his attention to someone approaching him. "People are too busy." His voice is impossible not to hear, but no one makes eye contact with him, they look to the ground and walk around. "Oh, you're not going to listen to me either? Fine, keep walking!" "No one even notices me," he says with a laugh.

The five steps beneath me props me up above the scene, and keeps me invisible, a perfect vantage point to observe. I am extremely interested. Here is a being who is frustrated with the reality that surrounds him. So frustrated that he is willing to risk what his image to publicly demonstrate his frustration in a way most people would call unacceptable. Normal social walls have collapsed for this being, but the rest of the world still remains inside their walls, probably feeling uncomfortable, or irritated, writing this man off as crazy. He is alienated, and that intensifies his drama.

I wonder what led this man to this point. I wonder what is going on in his mind, and what his experience of this moment is like. To my eyes it doesn't seem pleasant. He is in a flow of negative energy, and I doubt he knows there is another way. I want him to know.

I remain transfixed on this man, as he lashes out about things that I don't understand. Then his eyes glance in my direction, and he continues in his drama, but his energy is shifted because he feels someone sees him. He looks at me again, and stops for a second. Still a ways off he shouts, "Did you see that? No one listens to me, no one pays attention." I don't say anything, I just keep my gaze. Now that someone hears him he can spill out what is going on. He doesn't stop when I say nothing, the words come gushing out. I realize that the words he is putting together don't form thoughts that I can follow.

My consciousness drifts as I become aware of the scene that lays before me, his words begin to blur. I can't tell you what he is saying because I don't know if I hear it. I am in a different reality than this man, and I want to pull him into it. I decide to not say a word, and just communicate on the waves of my eye contact. As he gushes frustration, I don't recognize it, instead I give him something completely different back through my eyes. I almost feel like I'm saying back to him over and over, "Bro! I see you! You don't have to be angry, there is happiness, there is peace." Time blurs and I just wonder how this will end. Eventually he begins to slow down, he pauses every once in a while. His energy shifts and he begins speaking softly.

He looks at me, "THANK YOU, for listening," he says. "No one listens man." He looks down the street and says, "I just want to love people, I just want people to love me." I'm surprised to hear these words. "But then, when they don't listen I say @#$% you!" I speak for the first time, "that doesn't seem like love to me." "It is," he smiles, "it's called tough love." I say, "if you want love, give love." He tilts his head, thinks for a bit, then walks away. I cross the street and look over at him, he gives me a nod and a wave.